On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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