i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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