i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
