just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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