Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
