woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
