im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
