My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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