I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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