Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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