I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were trust falling into bushes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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