oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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