I accidentally burped into my bong.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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