listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
