I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
