party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
