i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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