3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
