This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
