it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize