How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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