i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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