He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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