i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
