i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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