DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
