He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
