I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
