Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
