I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
