I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
