"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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