apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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