You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
