Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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