when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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