Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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