My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
