I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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