There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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