i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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