i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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