I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
