I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
