I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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