Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
