You just made me feel so damn special
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
