Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize