the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
