The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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