I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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