i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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