I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
