How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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